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Jojoba!

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Whatever happened to soap?!

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What's jojoba?

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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See, in Glasgow,
that's the month before November.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, there. I'm Billy Connolly,
and this is the Florida Keys.

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I live here now.

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So I'm going to show you around,
show you what I get up to.

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Boom! 'I'll also be showing you
some old comedy stuff

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'that means a lot to me.'

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Don't move,
you'll stand on one of my bollocks!

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So kick the dog off the couch,
have a nice time.

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Can I have this total black-out now,
are we ready to roll?

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Humour is a great gift,
nobody knows where it's from -

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why you can say words
in a certain order

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and people fall about
holding their stomach.

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The house lights now.

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Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Connolly!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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'I've never questioned
what makes things funny.'

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They're funny and that's it.

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I swear,
but I'm a complete hypocrite.

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I don't do it in front of my kids,
you know?

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But I've invented swear words
that I CAN do in front of them.

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One of them is B-A-S-A.
If you say it fast,

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it's quite convincing, you know,
"Eh, ya basa!"

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LAUGHTER
Sounds quite good.

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But you're not swearing,
your conscience is clear,

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it's dead sneaky.

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Another good one
is G-E-T-I-F-U - getifu.

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If you do it fast along with basa,
it's quite handy.

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"Getifu, you basa!

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"You, you basa,
getifu out of there!"

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'I've always loved playing around
with words.'

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Sounds quite good. I sleep like
a baby, completely clear conscience.

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'But it's taken me until now
to put enough of them

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'in the right order
to write a book about my life.'

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PAMELA: Billy... guess what I got.

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Oh.
Your books have arrived.

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I'm so excited.
PAMELA LAUGHS

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Let's have a look at it.

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I'd better be handsome
on this cover.

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I think you probably are.

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Ah...

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Oh, that'll do. That's very good.

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See, I told you
I looked better in a T-shirt.

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PAMELA LAUGHS

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It's the exact same feeling
as your first album.

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They would turn up with a box
and they'd bring them out

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and you'd see the cover.

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And you'd think,
"This is what Elvis gets."

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That's OK, that's OK,
that's a good one.

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I couldn't have written it
ten years ago

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because I was involved in touring,

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and I've never been one
for writing it down.

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Live it. Do it.
Then, afterwards, have a look at it,

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and see what you want to say
about it.

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Connolly to cockpit!

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'I've called my book
Windswept and Interesting,

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'after something a friend once said
about me. The label stuck.'

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'And after that, I simply had
to maintain my reputation.'

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I've changed my mind about
what it means from time to time.

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I now think it is behaving
as you think you should,

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and not giving a toss
about anybody else's opinion.

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That nobody can

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That nobody wears...

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Just have a few ideas of your own -
it'll do you no harm at all.

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The world's a fuckin' madhouse!

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Hooray! Fuckin' hooray!

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But there's still some people
fuck it up.

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People make life awful
for other people.

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And I think
one of the types of people

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who should be slapped into place,
forthwith,

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are the people who go like this.

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Now, where the fuck
did this come from?

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know where or when
this fuckin' started.

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Punctuating in the air.

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It's off its fuckin' head.

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I believe they're "married".
Fuck off!

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You just want to grab their fingers
and say,

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"Fuckin' stop it!" "Eugh!"
LAUGHTER

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Stop that, up the arse, eugh!

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I hate it!

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I believe he's a... "comedian".

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When anybody does it to you,
punctuate everything you say.

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Use commas, full stops, semi-colons,
that really fucks them up.

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Say, you know... I said this...

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LAUGHTER

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You know, I was saying that
to my wife only yesterday.

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I said, "Darling."

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APPLAUSE
She said, "What?"

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I said, "Oh, shut up!"

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See how far they get with that,
the bastards.

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Every day, things make me angry.

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That's the way your life
is supposed to be.

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You're supposed to get happy
and angry and sad.

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Feel all these different things.

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You can't help it,
and on stage, it seems to magnify.

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Have you ever played with real good
darts players? Aren't they weird?

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They're hooked on subtraction,
it's the funniest fuckin' thing.

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They can subtract like computers.

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You know,
and they hate people who can't.

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If you're playing with them
and you go, "Doo, 57.

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"Oh, fuck. 57."
LAUGHTER

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"Er...

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"57 fae 501...

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"57, that's 50... 57...

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"50 is 40 fuckin' what, 40... 43,

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"and the one, 500... 4-4-4!"
"Ooh, well done (!)"

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Boom! "Oh, fuck. 57 again."

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"Right, we'll take the 40 away,
that's 17.

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"Plus the four... Fuck."

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Oh, they-they HATE you!

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You can see there's loathing
coming out of their eyes.

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"Cannae subtract, you bastard."

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I love the colours.
Look at the pink inside.

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It's so great.
Yeah, it's lovely, the pink.

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The best picture is Flo
cuddling you - top left.

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Yeah.

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That's my big sister.

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I was brought up in Glasgow,

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and there was three families
on every floor, on every landing.

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And on every half landing,
there was a toilet.

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I thought it was brilliant,

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cos the seat was never, ever cold
in winter.

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A wee pink arse had just left it.
You go, "Ohhh!"

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That's where I first noticed
that when you go to the toilet,

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you completely lose your identity,
you completely forget who you are.

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You forget your own name.

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Maybe you've noticed this yourself?
Or not until just now!

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Maybe you'll remember,
when somebody tries the door...

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and you answer,
"There's somebody in!"

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LAUGHTER

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Even in your own house.

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Even if there's only
another one person in your house.

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"There's somebody in!"

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As you reach for the lock...

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And sometimes you're too late...

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You're kneeling with your arse
in the air...

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..saying to someone
towering above you,

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"I said,
there's somebody fuckin' in!"

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This is the farmers' market,
I usually shop here with Scarlett,

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my daughter.
Yes.

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She carries things for me,
and buys me stuff.

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I've got the money.
THEY LAUGH

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'I didn't settle in Florida Keys,
my wife settled in Florida Keys.'

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With all the furniture.

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Weaver honey.
Would you like some? Yeah.

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'She sold my house
and moved to the Florida Keys

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'and gave me the option.'

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Would I want to come or not?

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Baby, don't you wanna go?

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18 dollars. Thank you.

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Baby, don't you wanna go?

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Let's see, do we need a juice?
I think we do.

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OK. Shall we get juice?

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What was the one we got
the last time? It was great.

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This is, er, watermelon.
That's right, watermelon.

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This is a good place.

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There's a lot of old hippies
live here

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and people who refuse to be old,
and it suits me lovely.

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Thank you.
Thank you very much!

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Watermelon juice.
What's become of me?

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It's a decent wee market.
It's good to swan along in the sun.

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People do yoga.
You can stand and... hate them...

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..as they bend backwards.
You bastards.

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I did it in LA, everybody's folding
like a clasp knife.

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And you're standing farting
in a corner.

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SCARLETT LAUGHS

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MAN: Hello, Billy.
Hello!

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It's Jim. We've met several times.
I stalk you.

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Oh, yeah, yeah!
He pesters me everywhere I go.

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I do, I pester him.

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I'm nice to him
because he's in a wheelchair.

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I saw you in Philadelphia in concert
several times. That's right.

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And I just love everything about you
and your personality.

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Would it be OK if I did a selfie
with Billy real quick? Of course.

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Billy remembers me now
as his stalker.

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I told him to leave you alone,
Billy. I'm so sorry.

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OK, ready? One, two, three.
PHOTO TAKES

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Next time I see you,
I'll duck behind something.

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Yeah, you better duck quick, though.

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You never know
when I might sneak up on you.

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It's lovely to see you again.
Lovely to see you too.

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You take care, and cheers.

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'I was in Toronto a few years ago,
I was making a movie.'

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And I got five days off
in the middle of it,

191
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which isn't really unusual.

192
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And I'm very much
a creature of habit.

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I do the same thing most days.

194
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And in every town I play in the
world, I have a walk that I do,

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the same walk.
I have one in London,

196
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but I'm not telling you
what it is, cos you'll follow me.

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LAUGHTER
You'll want a fuckin' selfie.

198
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:11,960
Actually, I don't mind
doing selfies,

199
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but please, if you ever meet me
and you want a selfie,

200
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have your stuff ready.
LAUGHTER

201
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Don't make me stand there
as you go through your fuckin' bag

202
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looking for your camera...

203
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because it looks as if
I've asked you to do it, you know.

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ALL: Whoo!

205
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How many times have I told you
not to eat your dessert first?

206
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Many times.

207
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And what do you do?
I couldn't give a fuck.

208
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Pamela teaches dance,
and she's written a musical

209
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about a guy whose name
was actually Bum Farto.

210
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He was head of the fire brigade.

211
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,960
And he had a lot to do
with the importation of cocaine,

212
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and he ran Key West,
and it all ended up in disarray.

213
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,960
And Pamela has written a musical
about it.

214
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,960
And they all sing and dance.

215
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She's a clever little bugger.

216
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960
That's me about ten or 11.

217
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I was really unhappy then.

218
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,960
I grew up in a very
"thou shalt not" society.

219
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My people who brought me up didn't
like the jolly things in life.

220
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I wanted a party
like everybody else.

221
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And it wasn't too much to ask.

222
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LATIN MUSIC

223
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That was lovely, wasn't it?
Yeah.

224
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Nice to see the young people
enjoying themselves.

225
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LAUGHTER

226
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It was a tough upbringing,
but I survived it.

227
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,960
And it was made great by my friends.

228
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I could see by their houses

229
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,960
and their atmosphere
and their families

230
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,960
that it could be done right,
that whatever was wrong,

231
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,960
was wrong with my family -
it wasn't wrong with the world.

232
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So, I learned from that -
if I ever got married,

233
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I would live like them and be funny
and cheery with my children.

234
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,960
I took my children,
they're lovely wee girls,

235
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,320
and they're very bright,
and they're lovely wee things.

236
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:28,000
And I had a camper van thing,
it was an American one,

237
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,960
so it was kind of flash
and it was...

238
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,960
Like, it had video and stereo
and blah, blah, blah.

239
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,480
And the girls were all in the back,
you know, driving,

240
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and the dog was with us,
and we toured Scotland,

241
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,960
and I took them to where the salmon
leap into the air... Whoosh!

242
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,960
It's a wee place, it's not one
of those big flashy touristy places.

243
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,960
It's a wee place nobody knows.
"Come on, I'll show you this."

244
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960
There's salmon leaping
up the waterfall...

245
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960
I said, "Ooh, yeah!"
Blah, blah, blah.

246
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Trees, mountains, rivers...

247
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960
We stayed in a castle,
and my wife and I went out

248
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,000
and we got branches
and made a nest in the garden.

249
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,960
And then we got... mangoes, it was,
and we put them in this nest

250
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,960
and we said, "There's
a dragon's nest in the garden."

251
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,800
We're all down there,
"Quick, the dragon's coming back!"

252
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,960
We'd all run back in the house.

253
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960
It was one of those holidays,
it was brilliant.

254
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,960
And they were sitting on the couch,
you know, and I said,

255
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,960
"Right, that's the holiday finished,
did you have a nice time?" "Yes."

256
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:23,960
And I said,
"What thing did you like best

257
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,960
"of everything we did, everything,
what did you like best?"

258
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,000
And I thought it would be
the salmon leaping

259
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,320
and the pipes playing
and the fuckin' heehaw...

260
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:36,160
So there was a little get-together
on the couch...

261
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,960
MIMICS WHISPERING

262
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,960
And Daisy was elected
the spokesperson.

263
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,960
She said, "Sesame Street."
LAUGHTER

264
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,480
"What?" "Sesame Street."
It was a tape in the car.

265
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,960
It was the best thing
on the holiday.

266
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,960
So we fuckin' stay home now.

267
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,960
Did you ever have a s'more?
I never had one till I came here.

268
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,960
Mmm.
That's delicious.

269
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,960
That's a great s'more.

270
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,960
There's nothing like a s'more
to make you full of s'morishness.

271
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,960
SHE CHUCKLES

272
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:13,960
Oh, yes...

273
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:19,960
Marshmallow and chocolate and...
a Graham cracker...

274
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,160
cures all ills.

275
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:23,960
It's better than...

276
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:26,960
..chicken noodle soup.

277
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
SHE LAUGHS,
LATIN MUSIC

278
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,960
I wish I could dance like that.

279
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,960
I'd be unstoppable.

280
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,160
BILLY STRUMMING GUITAR

281
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,960


282
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:55,960


283
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,800


284
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,960


285
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960


286
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:11,960


287
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960


288
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,960

Squirm.

289
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,960
His name's Django.
And he's about a year old.

290
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:29,960
He was born during the lockdown,
and he's a lovely dog,

291
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,960
he's a very cosy dog,
he sleeps with me.

292
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:33,960
What have you found?

293
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960
I'm a doggie kind of guy, you know,
I like doggies.

294
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960
I've got two Labradors,

295
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,160
and I bought all those books
about how to train them,

296
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,960
and how to come round here,
and thing,

297
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,960
and run and stay and thing...

298
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,320
But no book I've ever bought
teaches you how to stop them

299
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,960
sniffing people's crotches.

300
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,960
HE INHALES DEEPLY

301
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
You just... "For goodness' sake,"
you know?

302
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,480
SNIFFS

303
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,960
In Scotland, they're up
people's kilts at the back,

304
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:04,960
"Oh!"

305
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,320
A big nose against
the inside of the thigh,

306
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,960
"Oh, my God!"

307
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
It's a terrible habit.

308
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,960
And...
HE SPLUTTERS

309
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,960
And you go,
"Oh, I'm awful sorry about that."

310
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,960
And people say,
"It can probably smell my dog."

311
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,480
And you go, "Oh!"

312
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,960
LAUGHTER

313
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,960
"Fair enough,
live and let live, you know...

314
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:36,960
"We'll draw
a discreet veil over that,

315
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960
"and you can trust me
never to tell a soul."

316
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,960
YAPS

317
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960
What are you doing?

318
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:45,960
Barking at people?

319
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,960
You falling out with everybody?

320
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,800
I've talked more about dogs
than cats in my comedy,

321
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,160
but there's a cat story
I used to tell,

322
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,320
which is now
one of my all-time favourites.

323
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:04,960
It's joined the pantheon
of things I am proud of.

324
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,960
I got it from Liam Neeson,

325
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,800
and I took it on stage
and fiddled about with it.

326
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,960
It's very encouraging
that you can take reality

327
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,960
and dress it up
and make people fall about laughing.

328
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,000
There's nothing nicer,
let me tell you.

329
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,960
The story is about a man
on the crew for Rob Roy,

330
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,960
who couldn't find the film location,

331
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,960
and ran into some trouble
on the way.

332
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,960
So, the guy
is lost in the Highlands,

333
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,640
and he's sweating,
he cannae find the film company,

334
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,640
going, "Oh, fuck."

335
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,960
and he turns right into a village,

336
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,160
it's a typical
Scottish Highland village,

337
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,960
just two rows of houses and a road,

338
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
he turns right, and he's trying
to fold the map at the same time,

339
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960
he looks up just too late

340
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,960
to save a cat
that's run across the road,

341
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,160
a big tom cat.

342
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,960
HE MIMICS CAR SCREECHING

343
00:17:58,960 --> 00:17:59,960
HE MAKES THUDDING NOISE

344
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,960
Hits it with both sets of wheels,
you know.

345
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,960
"Oh, fuck. Poor bastard."

346
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960
He gets out, and he looks back,
and there in the gutter,

347
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,960
about ten feet back, there's a cat,

348
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:15,960
"Yow, yow, yow,

349
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:21,960
"ow, yow, yow, yow."

350
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,480
This is a bit
specially for cat lovers.

351
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:29,960
"Ow, yow, yow, yow, yow, yow."

352
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,960
He says, "Oh, Jesus, it's in misery.

353
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
"Where's my tool box?"

354
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,960
Gets a hammer,

355
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,000
and he goes up to the cat,

356
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,960
"Sorry, pal, if it was up to me,
this wouldnae be happening,

357
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,960
"but, unfortunately,
this is the way of all flesh,

358
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,960
"cheerio."
HE MAKES THUDDING NOISE

359
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Right in the face.

360
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,960
THUDS
"Meow, meow, meow!"

361
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:03,000
THUDS
"Yow, yow..."

362
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,960
THUDS
"Yow!"

363
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:12,960
No sooner has he done it,
than the cottage door opens...

364
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,960
..and a big woman comes out
with flour up to her elbows,

365
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,640
she's been making scones all day,

366
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,960
like every decent
Scottish woman should.

367
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,640
"What the fuck
do you think you're doing..."

368
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,960
LAUGHTER

369
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,480
"..hitting my cat in the face
with a hammer?"

370
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,320
WHISTLING IN AUDIENCE

371
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,960
You don't get many opportunities
in your life to ask that question.

372
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,960
"I was inside making scones

373
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,960
"and I saw you hit him
in the face with a hammer,

374
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,960
"you fuckin' psychopath.

375
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,000
"Are you fae Glasgow,
by any chance?"

376
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,000
"Oh, you don't understand, missus,
I hit it with my van."

377
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,960
"What, was the hammer
not good enough for you?"

378
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,960
"No, I hit it with the van first.

379
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,960
"And that put it in agony,
then I hit it with the..."

380
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,960
"Oh, and that makes it all right,
does it?"

381
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,960
"No, you don't seem to understand.
I was just...

382
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,960
"I'll tell you what I do understand,
you're in deep shit.

383
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,960
"Charlie! Charlie!"

384
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:21,960
The next door cottage door opens,
and a policeman comes walking out,

385
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,960
"Aye, what seems
to be the trouble, Heather?

386
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
"I hope you've got
a good excuse here,

387
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,800
"I was just about
to interfere with myself there..."

388
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,960
LAUGHTER

389
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,960
"The smell of them scones
was turning me right on."

390
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,960
She says, "This bastard hit my cat
in the face with a hammer."

391
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,960
"What you doing, hitting cats
in the face with hammers?"

392
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,960
"Oh", he says, "it was in agony."

393
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,960
She says, "No, it wasnae, Charlie,
it was sunbathing,

394
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,960
"I was making scones
and I looked out the window

395
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,000
"and I saw it sunbathing,

396
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,960
"and he walked up and hit it
in the face with a hammer."

397
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,960
"Oh, you don't understand,"
he says,

398
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:00,960
"I hit it with my van."

399
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960
He says, "Oh, was the hammer
not good enough for you?"

400
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,000
"Oh, give me a break."

401
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,960
He said, "I'll tell you what,

402
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
"come on, we'll have a look
at that van of yours."

403
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
So they go along and see the van,

404
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
and it's got those
rubber mudguards at the back,

405
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,960
he pulls it up and he looks under,

406
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,800
and in the wheel arch,
there's a dead cat.

407
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,160
Shock is an intrinsic part
of comedy.

408
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,000
The shock of the punchline
from nowhere

409
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,960
just gets people where they live,
they love it.

410
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:39,960
It's the same as children
when you go, "Whoo!"

411
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,960
They go, "Ah!"

412
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,960
"Again."
You go, "Ah!"

413
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,640
"Whoo!"
"Again."

414
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,320
The audience are like that,
they love being shocked,

415
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,960
they love being horrified,
they love laughing.

416
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,960
"Oh, baby..."

417
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,960
When I talked about sex
in my routines,

418
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,320
people would sometimes be shocked,
but they'd find it funny.

419
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,960
LAUGHS

420
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,960
Nobody in the audience says,
"Oh, for God's sake.

421
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:12,000
"Talking about bums and willies,
how awful. How childish.

422
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,320
"I think I'll leave
and get a hamburger."

423
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,960
I am consumed, consumed,

424
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,960
by trying to last
a decent length of time.

425
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:28,960
So, you have to not think about sex
in order to last longer.

426
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,640
There's nothing stranger
than a woman going,

427
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:35,960
"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

428
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,160
"Ah! Ah! Ah!"

429
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:40,160
And the guy going,
"nine fours are 36,

430
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,800
"nine fives are 45."
You see?

431
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,960
You have to make sure
that you put yourself in a position

432
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,960
which is the same position
as the audience.

433
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,160
You're as blind as they are.

434
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,960
I don't know about you,

435
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,960
but the nine times table
does it for me every time.

436
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,960
Just telling it like it is,

437
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,960
it's a joyous,
free field to plunder.

438
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,960
Who called it a blow job?

439
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,960
What a funny name!

440
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,960
For that act.

441
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,960
I've been fortunate enough...

442
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,640
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

443
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,960
..in my short but colourful life,

444
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,960
to have experienced this very act.

445
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:32,960
And as memory serves me,

446
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,960
there's not much
fuckin' blowing involved.

447
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,960
LAUGHTER

448
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,960
And I think something
should be done about that.

449
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,960
It should be explained to people,

450
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,960
setting out on the
wonderful world of sex,

451
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,960
"Look, you don't blow
during a blow job.

452
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,960
"You could hurt somebody."

453
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:01,960
HE MAKES EXPLOSION NOISE

454
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,320
Boom!

455
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,960
"Don't fuckin' move...

456
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,960
"I'm going to put on the light here.

457
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960
"Don't move,
you'll stand on one of my bollocks."

458
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:19,960
Scrotum like this...

459
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,960
..like a wet shammy hangin'.

460
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,960
'The whole world is like that.

461
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,480
'People pretending
to know what stuff is,'

462
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:34,960
and, lo and behold, they don't know.

463
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:39,960
It's taking
the awkward bits of mating,

464
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,960
and exposing them for the
awkward things that they are.

465
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,960
Pamela and I are going out
for the night on a tiki bar,

466
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,000
we're taking the bar with us!

467
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,960
PAMELA GIGGLES

468
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,960


469
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:02,960


470
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,480
It's a lovely idea,
floating along on a bar,

471
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,960
even though I don't drink.

472
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:09,960
I'd love to take it up the Clyde!

473
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,960
This is about the top speed, right?
Full speed right now.

474
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,960
Full speed, yeah, I thought so.

475
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:21,960


476
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,960


477
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,960
I met my wife Pamela in 1979

478
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,960
when we did a sketch together
on Not The Nine O'Clock News.

479
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:31,960
The first time I saw her

480
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,960
she was whizzing past the door
on a tea trolley,

481
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,960
she was on the top, like Superman.
And went, "psshhh".

482
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,960
I thought, "I think I like her."

483
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,960
NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NEWS STING

484
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,960
Well, hello.

485
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,480
And tonight,
I'm talking to Billy Connolly,

486
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,960
a well-known Scottish comedian.

487
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,960
I was kind of shocked

488
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,960
because he kept laughing
in the middle of the sketch,

489
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:56,960
he was laughing at my teeth,

490
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,960
and I thought it was
a bit unprofessional of him.

491
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:03,960
Billy, I understand
that when you first came to England,

492
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,960
people had a lot of trouble
understanding your accent?

493
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,960
LAUGHTER

494
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,960
Is that right?

495
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:12,960
Sorry?

496
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,960
I thought she was a cracker.

497
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,960
And I thought she would be hanging
out with university guys,

498
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,800
because that's who
she was working with.

499
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:27,960
Dennis, wilt thou leave this woman,
who is thy wedded wife,

500
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,160
dost thou dislike her, despise her,

501
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,960
hate the sight of the moth-eaten
Snoopy doll she's had since college,

502
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,960
and despise her brother,
the chartered surveyor,

503
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,320
who invites himself for dinner

504
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,960
and drinks thy Scotch
after you've gone to bed?

505
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:46,960
I thought that would be her taste,

506
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:51,960
and then she came
to see me in Brighton,

507
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:55,960
and I realised...
that I was her taste.

508
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,960
Right, Pamela?

509
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:02,960
If you say so.
THEY GIGGLE

510
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,800
I was still drinking then.

511
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,960
And we were sitting at a table.

512
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,960
And I was getting merrily pissed.

513
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:15,320
And Pamela went to my room,
with the key,

514
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,960
and phoned me from there,

515
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,960
and said,
"Isn't it time you come upstairs?"

516
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,960
And I did,
and we've been together ever since.

517
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,960
That's so embarrassing.
Billy, really.

518
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,960
It's not embarrassing,
it's romantic.

519
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,960
See that? That's my wife's birthday.

520
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,960
I'm not trying to be trendy,
it's my wife's fuckin' birthday.

521
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,960
I check it every two weeks
to see if I've blown it again.

522
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,960
That's it there.

523
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:48,960
It's a heart, with a swallow,
and "Pamela".

524
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,960
It was her birthday
and I'd forgotten,

525
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,960
and one of my daughters called me,

526
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,960
I went straight to the tattooist
and got it.

527
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:58,480
I came home and I said,

528
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,960
"I haven't got you a present
but, bingo."

529
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:02,960
I don't forget usually.

530
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,000
I've taken to dropping big hints.

531
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:11,320
These days, Pamela's
a highly qualified sexologist,

532
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:13,800
a rather limiting subject, I think.

533
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,960
How can you study something
that only lasts seven seconds?

534
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:19,960
Pamela, Dr Connolly!

535
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:26,640
Years of study, relentless,
fuckin' study, study, study,

536
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,960
writing a huge dissertation
at the end of it,

537
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:31,960
fuckin' tome, a tome!

538
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:35,960
And is seriously pissed off,

539
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,960
because this year, Glasgow
University gave me one for fuck all.

540
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,960
Now...

541
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,480
I thought she'd never
speak to me again.

542
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,480
"You bastard!"

543
00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,320
HE MUTTERS: Thank you very much.

544
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,480
The gown and all the fuckin' shit...

545
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:10,960
I was thinking of getting a
brass plaque for the door, you know?

546
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,960
Incidentally, I do prescriptions.

547
00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:23,960
If you want to get shitfaced,
I'm your man, now...

548
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,960
I love when she's talking
to her friends at home,

549
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,960
and I walk in and I go,

550
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:32,960
"I'll never forget
my university days...

551
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:36,960
"Well, day."

552
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,960
This is a picture
of my wedding day in Fiji.

553
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:49,960
We hired a bagpiper,
and we got the local choir,

554
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,960
and we had them do the music
from The Archers,

555
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:55,960
HE HUMS:

556
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,960

Da-da-de-da-da-da-da

557
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:00,960


558
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:02,960
And they said, "What are the words?"

559
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:04,320
We said, "They're the words.

560
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,960
"Rum-te-tiddly-um-te-tum."

561
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,960
It was the best wedding
I've ever been to.

562
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:14,960
There's my daughter Cara,
me, Pamela...

563
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:20,960
..Scarlett, Jamie,
Daisy and Amy.

564
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:22,960
That's my family.

565
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,000
We're a rather good-looking lot.

566
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,960
It's the best wedding picture ever.

567
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,960
Elephants can swim
20 miles a day.

568
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:37,960
In your life, you can improve
your education by drinking Snapple.

569
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,960
You take the lid off...

570
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,960
I do this every day.

571
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,800
When would they ever get to swim
20 miles?

572
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:52,960
They don't all live in the jungle,
some of them live on the coast.

573
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:56,960
And they go for a swim...

574
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,960
as part of their daily routine!

575
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,960
We've had a lovely evening
cruising around here,

576
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:05,480
and we'll go back,
there's a guy who cooks for us,

577
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:07,960
he will cook us something.

578
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,480
Life is lovely.

579
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,960
This is my new shirt.

580
00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,960
Pamela bought it for me.

581
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:24,960
My favourite shoes.

582
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:25,960
Good and Evil.

583
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:27,800
I care.

584
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:31,960
I know I look as if I don't care,
but I actually care.

585
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,960
'Today I'm going to be on
The Graham Norton Show,

586
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,960
'and my daughter Scarlett's
helping me to get ready.'

587
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:39,960
Can I do a little?
She steals my clothes.

588
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,000
I do.

589
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:42,480
I'm actually surprised

590
00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:44,960
I'm not wearing something
of yours right now.

591
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:46,320
I usually am.

592
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:50,000
I'm wearing his clothes
more often than I'm not.

593
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,640
PRODUCER Five, four, three...

594
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:54,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
a very special welcome, please,

595
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:56,640
to Billy Connolly!

596
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,960
APPLAUSE

597
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,960
'The first talk show I ever did
was Parkinson in 1975.

598
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,960
'I told a bum story on it
that shocked the pants off people.'

599
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:09,960
You've gotta rattle the box
every now and again.

600
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:11,000
Give the world a shake.

601
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,960
A guy came up to me in the street,

602
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:15,960
I hope I can get away with this,
it's a beauty.

603
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,960
There's a circus performer
in all of us who wants to say,

604
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:21,960
"Look at me walking the tightrope."

605
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:23,640
He said, "Did you hear
about the one,

606
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:25,960
"the guy who done his wife in
and that?"

607
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:26,960
And I said, "No."

608
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,960
He said this guy was going out
to meet his friend in the pub,

609
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,960
and he went down, he said,
"Hello, how's it going?"

610
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,320
He said, "Fine, fine."
He said, "How's the wife?"

611
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:36,960
He said, "Oh, she's dead."
"What?!"

612
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:41,960
He says, "Dead, out the ground,
dead, I murdered her, forget it."

613
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:45,960
He said, "You're kiddin' me on!"
"No, no, this morning, dead."

614
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,960
He said, "Oh, look,
I'm not talking to you

615
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:48,960
"if you keep on talking like that."

616
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,320
He said, "Please yourself,
I'll show you if you want."

617
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:52,960
He said, "Aye, show me."

618
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:54,960
So they went up to his tenement
building, through the close,

619
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,960
that's the entrance to the tenement.
LAUGHTER

620
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,960
Into the back green, into
the wash house, and sure enough

621
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,960
there's a big mound of earth...

622
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,960
but there's a bum
sticking out of it.

623
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,960
LAUGHTER

624
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,800
He says, "Is that her?"

625
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:11,960
He says, "Aye."

626
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:13,960
He says, "What do you leave
her bum sticking out for?"

627
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,960
He says,
"I need somewhere to park my bike."

628
00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:18,960
LAUGHTER

629
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:19,960
APPLAUSE

630
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:30,960
It had a spectacular effect,
especially on Parky,

631
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:32,960
he just lost it.

632
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:34,960
LAUGHTER

633
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,480
Are you cracking up?

634
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:41,960
'Hello, Billy, it's Ian here!

635
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:43,960
'I'm just gonna make
the studio feed live for you now,

636
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,800
'and we'll be coming to you shortly.

637
00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:48,960
'Can we...? Are we able to just
rotate the phone back and forth?'

638
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,960
Yes. 'And then if you can put it
back to where it was now,

639
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:54,000
'it'll go back the right way.
That's it, perfect.'

640
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,960
'Right, time to meet
our remote guest tonight.'

641
00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:00,960
What more can I say? This man
is quite simply a comedy legend.

642
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:02,960
Please welcome Sir Billy Connolly!

643
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

644
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,320
'Yay!

645
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,960
'Whoo!'
Hello.

646
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:12,960
'Hello, thank you
so much for joining us.

647
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:15,640
'You've finally
written an autobiography.'

648
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:18,960
How do you define being
windswept and interesting?

649
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,640
'There are some rules to being
windswept and interesting.'

650
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,960
I just made them up
when I was writing the book!

651
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,960
My rules are
that you do as you please,

652
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:32,640
don't take lessons from anybody,
be as you are, and you'll be happy.

653
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:33,960
And it's quite true.

654
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,960
'Dame Eileen Atkins is here.
Now, you saw him perform live.'

655
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,640
I saw you perform
at Madison Square Garden,

656
00:34:40,640 --> 00:34:42,960
I'd gone to an Elton John concert.

657
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,960
'Oh, yeah.'
And you were the warm-up act.

658
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,960
'That's right.
A nightly exercise in terror.'

659
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,960
LAUGHTER

660
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:53,960
They used to boo.

661
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:56,960
And there was a crowd in front of me
of about 150.

662
00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:57,960
They just said...

663
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,640
CHANTING: Fuck off! Fuck off!
Fuck off!

664
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,960
And I had to do the act
and sing some funny songs,

665
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:06,480
and it was a nightmare.

666
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:09,960
It was the first night
of an American tour

667
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,000
and it wasn't my audience,
it was Elton John's audience,

668
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:15,960
and they made me feel as welcome
as a fart in a spacesuit.

669
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:17,960
LAUGHTER

670
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:26,960
Listen, it's been an immense
pleasure having you on the show.

671
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:30,960
Thank you so much for spending
time with us, it's been lovely.

672
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,160
Give it up for Sir Billy Connolly!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

673
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:38,960
'Aw!'

674
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:43,960
That's it.

675
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,960
'Brilliant. Cheers, Billy, and thank
you everyone there, we're all done.'

676
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:50,000
Thank you very much!
It went well.

677
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:55,960
It's very weird doing it on Zoom,
it loses a certain...

678
00:35:57,960 --> 00:35:59,480
..quality.

679
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,800
Like if I was there,
I would be looking at Lenny,

680
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,960
and saying something to him,
and he would say something to me,

681
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,960
and Graham would be there, and the
three of us would laugh at it.

682
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,160
We'd make a thing
that didn't exist before.

683
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:13,960
That's fun, but with Zoom,
you don't get that.

684
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:17,960
It's good to still be
Billy Connolly, you know,

685
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,320
because here I'm somebody else.

686
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,320
But in Britain,
I'm that Billy Connolly figure.

687
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,640
And it's nice to be him again.

688
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:27,960
I'm in my 50s now,

689
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,960
and doctors become obsessively
interested in your prostate

690
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:31,960
as soon as you turn 50.

691
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:34,960
Your prostate lives up there,

692
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:36,960
it's part of this, but it
lives up the back there,

693
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:39,960
and it's a round thing,
kind of like a doughnut,

694
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:43,960
and his job is to check
that it hasn't become a bagel yet.

695
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:47,960
Right.

696
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:50,960
There are two ways in.

697
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,960
One is a camera
through the hole in your willy.

698
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,960
Fuck that.

699
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:58,960
LAUGHTER

700
00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:04,000
The other way is up the bum
with the KY Jelly and a finger,

701
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:07,960
which is not my idea of a good time,

702
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,960
but much easier than a camera crew
crawling up your dick.

703
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,480
LAUGHTER

704
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,960
I was very ill,
I'd been in Mexico on holiday

705
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,960
and it was... I got very sick.

706
00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:23,960
And I went to a proctologist,
your actual bum guy,

707
00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:26,960
who's not interested in any other
bit of your body, he's a bum guy.

708
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:28,960
Can you imagine
doing that every morning?

709
00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:31,960
Getting up and going in.
Anyway, he stands.

710
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:33,960
I'm like this.

711
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,320
He's here.

712
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:37,960
And he puts the...

713
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:39,960
Now, my doctor
always does it from here.

714
00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:41,960
He's at the side, right?

715
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:43,960
And I thought,
"Ooh, fuckin' weird."

716
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,800
Finger up the bottom.

717
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,960
"Oh, for fuck's sake."

718
00:37:57,960 --> 00:37:59,960
But he's messing around in there.

719
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:10,960
He's looking for the lost treasure
of Sierra Madre.

720
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:13,960
LAUGHTER

721
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:15,960
And then he gives me
this almighty...

722
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,320
HE SQUELCHES
"Fucker!"

723
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:19,000
HE WAILS

724
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:24,960
And at the same time, with
his other hand, this is the truth...

725
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:26,960
he grabs my willy.

726
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:27,960
LAUGHTER

727
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,960
I went,
"Oh, fuckin' wait a minute!

728
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,960
"What is this?

729
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:36,960
"What's going on here?

730
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:38,960
"I've a good mind
to call a constable!"

731
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:44,960
He grabs my willy.

732
00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:48,800
He treats me like I'm a cow,
fuckin'... "Moo-o-o-oo!"

733
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:50,960
And he's fuckin'...

734
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:52,960
And he's got a piece of glass.

735
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:53,960
And this stuff goes...

736
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:54,960
HE SQUELCHES

737
00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:56,960
"Oh, for fuck...
Help!

738
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,960
"Help!"

739
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:01,800
There's stuff
coming out my willy, onto the...

740
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:04,960
"Help! Help!"

741
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,960
He took it away and examined it
in the microscope there,

742
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,960
came back and he says,
"Well, it's all clear."

743
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:13,960
"So you mean that
was for fucking nothing?!"

744
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,960
LAUGHTER

745
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,960
The finger going into your arse...

746
00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,960
is less than pleasant.

747
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:32,480
Coming out isn't the worst fucking
thing that ever happened to me.

748
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,960
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

749
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,960
This is beautiful
downtown Key West,

750
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:48,960
and this is my favourite shop,
Books and Books.

751
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,960
It's owned and run by Judy Blume,
the author.

752
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:54,960
'Judy's famous for writing novels

753
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:56,960
'that have taught generations
of young people

754
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,960
'about relationships and sex.'

755
00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:02,320
Ah, Judy!
Hello!

756
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,960
How lovely to see you.
Welcome!

757
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,960
We're very happy that you have
found your way into our bookshop.

758
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:10,640
Oh, I love it.
Thank you.

759
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:12,960
It's so lovely to see
a banned section.

760
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,960
It makes it a very healthy shop.
We are rebels, right?

761
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:18,960
Oh, we must be.
We are rebels.

762
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:20,800
It's an absolute must.

763
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:22,960
Stay Sexy and Don't Get Murdered.

764
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:26,960
Is that a great title? Yes.
Go, enjoy yourself.

765
00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:27,960
Thank you very much.

766
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,960
There's something delightful
about buying a book.

767
00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:38,960
I got a great autobiography in here
by Gabriel Byrne, the actor,

768
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:40,960
it's the best autobiography
I've read in years.

769
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:43,960
The lady's bullied me
into getting it.

770
00:40:43,960 --> 00:40:47,960
She's hiding behind the door,
ready to pounce with another.

771
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:48,960
What should I get?

772
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:53,480
What's struck you?

773
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:54,800
Ah...

774
00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,480
What's that?

775
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:00,960
A Little Devil In America.

776
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:02,960
It's about the performance
of African American artists.

777
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:04,480
Oh, great.

778
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,960
There's a great, great chapter
in there about Merry Clayton,

779
00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:08,960
the back-up singer
for the Rolling Stones.

780
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:11,320
Oh, yeah.
And that Gimme Shelter song.

781
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,960
Gave me goosebumps.

782
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,960
A good book, a cup of tea
and a McVitie's digestive.

783
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,960
That's my ultimate happiness.

784
00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:26,960
There's a great documentary film
about backup singers.

785
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:29,960
20 Feet From Stardom.
20 Feet From Stardom. And...

786
00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:31,800
She's in there.
She's in that?

787
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,960
She's in the book, it's brilliant.
You'll like it.

788
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,960
My pleasures are very simple.

789
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:41,960
It's fishing on a nice river...
in nice weather.

790
00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:43,160
I like watching the football.

791
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:47,960
My favourite noise is the near miss.

792
00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:56,960
At Hampden Park,
you get 70,000 people,

793
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,960
you used to get 100,000, or 130,000,
I think is the record,

794
00:41:59,960 --> 00:42:02,640
but, eh, it's about 70-odd now.

795
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:07,800
And the park's in stony silence,
and everybody's Scottish,

796
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:09,960
because no-one else
comes to Hampden Park.

797
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,960
The English have an unwritten rule

798
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:16,800
they only go to places
where they might get home from.

799
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:23,960
It has a carnivorous feel,
Hampden, you know?

800
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:29,960
Penalty kick,
last minute of the game.

801
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,960
The loneliest man
in the whole world.

802
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:46,960
Except, of course,
for the keeper...

803
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,960
..who's the loneliest
man in the universe.

804
00:42:52,960 --> 00:42:54,960
HE WHOOSHES

805
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:58,960
Past the post
and 70,000 people go, "Ooh!"

806
00:42:58,960 --> 00:42:59,960
ECHOING

807
00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:02,960
It's orgasmic.

808
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:05,960
"Oh-h-h."
ECHOING

809
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,960
And a big giant exclamation mark

810
00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:10,960
comes out of the top
of the stadium.

811
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:16,960
Straight into heaven.

812
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,960
And Jesus says, "Fuckin' hell,
was it that close?"

813
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,480
And the guy sitting next to you,

814
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,960
there's always an expert
sitting next to you...

815
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,960
..he says,
"Did you see that?"

816
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:44,960
And you say...

817
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:46,000
"No.

818
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:50,960
"I was reading Wuthering Heights.

819
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:56,960
"I just couldnae put it down.

820
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:03,640
"I always bring a good book
to these matches...

821
00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:07,160
"..in case there's a penalty
in the last minute...

822
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:11,960
"..you prick."

823
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:17,960
I didn't even know
I was in that book.

824
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:19,960
It's a great book!

825
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:22,640
It's out of print, though,
you've got to find a used copy.

826
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:23,960
Satiristas, I never
even heard of it.

827
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,960
Is there nothing in it
that says you have to give me money

828
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:27,960
if you meet me?
SHE LAUGHS

829
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:29,960
I didn't know I was a satirista.

830
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:31,960
I'm really proud
and happy to be one.

831
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:35,480
I thought I was too working class
to be a satirista.

832
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:39,960
'Books were my ticket to the world.

833
00:44:39,960 --> 00:44:41,960
'I'd read everything I could
when I was a schoolboy.'

834
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:44,960
It made me think differently
about everything, and it still does.

835
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:46,960
'I still read a lot.

836
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:50,960
'I don't know where it came from but
it got instilled in me by myself,

837
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:51,960
'that no matter what I did,

838
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:54,320
'everything would be fine
if I kept reading,'

839
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:55,960
and it worked out just dandy.

840
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:59,320
'I wish I could tell you that
anything else I was taught at school

841
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:03,960
'changed my life like reading did,
but it wouldn't be true.'

842
00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:08,640
I was always shit at mathematics,
I was never, ever good.

843
00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:12,480
And I don't care,
I don't give a shit.

844
00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:17,320
Algebra was a mystery to me.

845
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:20,480
"Connolly, 1A plus 1B?"

846
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:22,960
HE CHUCKLES

847
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:25,960
"You're taking the piss,
right, sir?

848
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:30,000
"You can't count letters,
you can only count numbers, silly!

849
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:34,640
"Unless, of course, I was absent...

850
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:36,960
"the day we did the B times table."

851
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:42,480
I have never used algebra
since the day I left school,

852
00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:44,000
not a fuckin' moment.
No-one's ever asked me.

853
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,800
I've never seen anybody using it,

854
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:50,960
I've never heard of anybody
who once used it,

855
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:54,800
and I would hate anybody
who fuckin' tried to use it.

856
00:45:56,160 --> 00:46:00,320
Can you imagine, you're going
along the street in Brisbane here.

857
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:02,960
A tourist comes up,

858
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:07,960
"Excuse me, I wonder if you could
direct me to the old windmill?

859
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:10,160
"Built by the convicts, I believe."

860
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:12,960
"Certainly, gimme a pencil.

861
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:16,960
"Right, let X equal the windmill..."

862
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:19,960
"Oh, fuck it,
I'll ask somebody else."

863
00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:24,960
When will you ever
say "hypotenuse" again

864
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:26,960
after you leave school?

865
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:28,960
Why are they teaching us this shit?

866
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:31,960
They used to give me a bad time

867
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,960
for watching pigeons on the roof
across from the class.

868
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:36,160
The pigeons were having sex.

869
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:39,960
I would watch it for hours,

870
00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:43,960
and they kept turning my head
back to the class, to the beige-ism.

871
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,960
The British have a great way
of beige-ing everything down.

872
00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:55,960
It's better to be bright
and optimistic and have a laugh.

873
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:57,960
You pass this way but once.

874
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:03,960
Oh, there's that Bourdain,
he's an interesting guy.

875
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:07,960
That's where the whole
chef thing started. Chef stars.

876
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,960
Before that,
it was those weird British ones.

877
00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,960
A man with a blazer
and a weird wife.

878
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:19,960
Do you ever hear that one? It was
Fanny Craddock making doughnuts.

879
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:23,320
They got him to do the final words
at the end of the show.

880
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:26,960
And he said, "Well,
I hope you enjoy your cooking.

881
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:29,960
"I hope all your doughnuts
turn out like Fanny's."

882
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:34,960
HE CHUCKLES

883
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:40,960
HE LAUGHS

884
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,960
I love jokes like that.

885
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:48,960
Could you put your plastic
on that, my darling? Yes.

886
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:51,960
There you go!

887
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:55,160
Thank you very much.

888
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:01,960
Well, that'll do me.
Off into the world again.

889
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,320
I like this open-air stuff.

890
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:17,960
We go down among the mangroves,

891
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:20,800
and have a sneak around
and see what's cooking.

892
00:48:20,800 --> 00:48:24,960
Sometimes, you get to see manatees,
crocodiles, alligators.

893
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:27,960
It's all very jolly.

894
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,960
I made the decision
to stand back from stand-up

895
00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:34,000
because of my illness.

896
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:37,640
It was affecting the work that I do.

897
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:39,960
The sharpness was gone.

898
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:41,960
It rounded all the corners.

899
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:44,960
I've got absolutely no regrets.
I feel great.

900
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:48,960
Here we go
into the wild blue yonder.

901
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:56,640
There's no... "Hurry up, they're
closing the doors. Hurry up."

902
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:59,960
'It's much more pleasant than that.'

903
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,960
There's a lovely silence.

904
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:07,960
Do you think
there's any bitey things in here?

905
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:13,960
Yes, there's bitey things
everywhere, that's what they do.

906
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:15,960
SHE CHUCKLES

907
00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:18,960
I like all those mangroves
all knotted together.

908
00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,960
Yeah.
Reminds me of Australia.

909
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:24,960
Australia,
I don't need to tell you anything.

910
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:29,960
There's things up at Glenelg the
size of fuckin' single deck buses,

911
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,960
"Ooh! Harrumph! Argh!"

912
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:36,480
Your fuckin' arse in one bite.
"Harrumph!"

913
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:40,960
How many hints do you need
that you're not welcome?

914
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,960
They've got jellyfish here,
you cut them into a million bits,

915
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:46,800
the fuckin' million bits
go after you.

916
00:49:47,960 --> 00:49:48,960
Every one of them.

917
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:51,960
The fuckin' blue-ringed octopus,
for Christ's sake!

918
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:54,960
Fuckin' blue-ringed!

919
00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:58,000
How it wouldn't
fit in the palm of your hand.

920
00:49:58,000 --> 00:49:59,960
"This thing's in a bad mood."

921
00:49:59,960 --> 00:50:01,480
HE SQUELCHES

922
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:04,160
You don't make it
to the fuckin' phone.

923
00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:05,960
HE SQUELCHES

924
00:50:05,960 --> 00:50:07,320
"Oh, for fuck...!"

925
00:50:08,960 --> 00:50:10,000
"What the fu...?"

926
00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:15,960
I like when I look at the routine

927
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:19,480
and I see something I'm very proud
of, and when I see it, I laugh.

928
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:21,960
Even in myself.

929
00:50:21,960 --> 00:50:23,960
And it's the most pleasant feeling.

930
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:26,960
It's having done your job well.

931
00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:30,960

Don't say a word

932
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:32,960

A mockingbird

933
00:50:32,960 --> 00:50:35,960


934
00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:38,960
Parkinson's disease
has taken a lot from me.

935
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:44,640
I can't play the banjo any more.
It's just a noise.

936
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:48,960
Most of the things I like to do.
I can't yodel any more.

937
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:49,960
I used to like yodelling.

938
00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:56,960

Woo-woo.

939
00:50:57,960 --> 00:50:59,960
I can't smoke cigars any more.

940
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,960
As it goes along, it's taken
more and more of what I like.

941
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:06,960
And it's kind of painful.

942
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:10,960
But you have to have
a Glasgow attitude and say,

943
00:51:10,960 --> 00:51:12,960
"Oh, you think you've got me beat?"

944
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:14,480
Thank y'all.

945
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,160
"Try this for size."

946
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:19,960
I just deal with it.
If I fall, I fall.

947
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:21,960
When I came to go in the kayak,

948
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:24,960
I tumbled over the kayak
and into the river.

949
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:28,480
And it's just the way of life.

950
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:30,000
You get soaked.

951
00:51:30,000 --> 00:51:33,480
You make an arse of yourself.
You get back in and do it again.

952
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:37,320
I have to behave in a certain way

953
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:40,960
so my children
don't think I'm a dead loss

954
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:42,960
and they don't feel sorry for me.

955
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:46,960
I want them to think,
"He does well with what he's got."

956
00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:49,320
And that's it.

957
00:51:49,320 --> 00:51:50,960
No crocs today.

958
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:54,960
A bitter disappointment.

959
00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:59,960
I think about death a lot.

960
00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:03,960
'Not an excessive amount,
but I think about it every day.'

961
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:06,320
I've seen people die and it's OK.

962
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:10,000
'It's not painful.
You just go away.

963
00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:11,960
'You exhale and it's gone.'

964
00:52:13,960 --> 00:52:16,960
It's nothing to be frightened of.

965
00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:18,960
It's just the next step.

966
00:52:19,960 --> 00:52:22,960
I made my wife promise
that on my gravestone, I would have,

967
00:52:22,960 --> 00:52:25,320
"Jesus Christ,
is that the time already?"

968
00:52:25,320 --> 00:52:26,960
LAUGHTER

969
00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:36,960
I just fancied
having a laugh in a graveyard,

970
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:37,960
I'm not gonna be there anyway,

971
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:39,960
I'll be scattered
in Loch Lomond or something.

972
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:41,960
But my wife had
a bit of a problem with,

973
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:43,960
"Jesus Christ,
is that the time already?"

974
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,160
She was getting kind of shaky on it,

975
00:52:45,160 --> 00:52:47,960
so I said the only other thing
I'll settle for is tiny writing

976
00:52:47,960 --> 00:52:49,960
in the middle of a big, big stone.

977
00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:52,960
Wee, tiny writing that you have to
go up and look at, like that,

978
00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:54,960
and it says,
"You're standing on my balls."

979
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:57,960
You'd go, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"

980
00:52:57,960 --> 00:53:00,960
I sound like
an end-of-the-pier preacher,

981
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:04,000
but be thoughtful and kind
and it'll come back to you.

982
00:53:04,000 --> 00:53:06,800
'You'll be blessed a hundredfold.'

983
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:09,960
There's only love,
that's all there is.

984
00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:15,960
'Buddhists think you come back
as a recreation of someone else.'

985
00:53:15,960 --> 00:53:19,960
I don't know. I'll settle
for whatever they've got.

986
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:27,960
Well, that's it, for this time.

987
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:31,480
I've shown you what I get up to
when you're not looking.

988
00:53:31,480 --> 00:53:34,800
And it's a pretty good place
to spend the time.

989
00:53:34,800 --> 00:53:37,480
It's been nice spending it with you.

990
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:38,960
Good night.

991
00:53:38,960 --> 00:53:42,640
MUSIC: 'For Once In My Life
(Instrumental)' by The Funk Brothers

992
00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:44,480


993
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:52,960


994
00:53:59,960 --> 00:54:01,800


995
00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:02,960


996
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,320


997
00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:09,960

Ooh-Ooh-Ooh.

998
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:13,960
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